(de)tachment

You ever feel like your mind stalls and needs to reboot, but you just can't seem to find the restart button. Signals neither leave nor enter, you are just kind of froze, better yet numb. It would seem harmless, not a big deal. Except during these days you find yourself completely apathetic to things you normally care about; family, friends, the world, your girlfriend, and even God. Somedays I can convince my self I am not affected by my post-modern upbringing but then these days of detachment, numbness hit and it just stanks of post-modern symptoms. I don't think these days would bother me so much if i didn't notice the strange pull for this to become my complete state of exsistence. The first thing you notice in your state of numbness is that you want to feel, but what you don't know. Utilizing the scientific method you develop a theory of what might produces the feeling you desire, so then you go about testing this theory only to find out it was not quite the answer you were looking for. So luckily you cycle through choices and hypothesis until you reach this conclusion; nothing will take away my numbess. It's all meaningless, "a chasing after the wind" you mutter but not understanding why that phrase out of all biblical phrases sticks in your head.

It is quite possible I have just spent to much time in the suburbs and their numbing affect that has been well documented (i.e. fight club). The "have it your way" lifestyle that seems to suggests having it your way involves not actual interaction with others but will sell you modernly styled swiss tables that you can sit at in your modern home alone watching netflixed delivered to your home. Maybe I am just going off the deep end or maybe we live under an empire...you may not be able to see it, but that may be because you have bought into the imperial view, i know i have and hence my numbness.

I once heard a radical statement. "To follow Jesus means to feel more." It was one of those statements that just felt weird, like a hug where you didn't know if the person even wanted a hug to begin with. I had to chew on it more, you see feelings work both ways there are joys and sorrows, tears and laughter. I wanted the statement to say, "To follow Jesus means to feel more happy." Oh happiness you cursed word plaguing this empire with a selfcenteredness that is so in grain it is thought ideal.But its so much more, to follow Jesus means to be human to expierece life different then the empire's version it is to feel more. The empire I find myself living under creates numbness, I am unable to cry, unable to fully enjoy those around me. Where Jesus offers a fully subversive vision to this globalized economy and its empire. Feel more.

So I am write this feeling numb, longing to feel close to God; begging Him to break these lies of isolation and let me connect to Him, to His people, to His creation. I am struggling through this and those I love suffer for it hinders connection. But I realized something, as I was driving down the road there is this old red barn with a grey roof, that looks like it has seen better days but painted on the roof is the qoute "Repent, ye must be born again." Something clicks with this notion, not the typical over spiritualized definition of the verse (not to downplay that crucial side) but the idea of re-learning how to exsist. This process of following Jesus of learning a new way to be human takes a reboot. I need to flash my RAM and let my mind boot up the way it was designed to. I essentially need to return to the state of a child and let Jesus, not the empire, raise me. I need to be born again, to reboot.

Here I am and maybe just maybe someone out there is with me. This is my prayer, God forgive me for follwoing the empire, for believing it's gods, its ideas, being captured by its imagination. Help myself, and others oppressed by this emipre to feel more. Raise us up God, as your children, teach us to walk with you and walk as you walk. Break down the walls of self centeredness, center us on You, recapture our imagination.

Think for minute. what our the images you see everyday. where do they led you. what do they say. what is the big idea of this supposed empire, listen to the worldview around you. chew on it, do you see an empire. for a much better investigation read Colossians Remixed by Walsh and Keesmaat I can't put it down, well I did to type this but you get the picture.

but the point is Jesus life and call was revolutionary and the minute we stopped looking like a revolution we stopped looking like Jesus.

Currently Listening My December By Kelly Clarkson see related

We came all this way into the desert to just stand here.

Currently Listening These Friends of Mine By Rosie Thomas see related

I have always been told I should be a runner. I could never quite figure out if it was because I just looked like I never ate or if it was cause I am 75% legs.  When I was training for hockey in high school, my trainer looked at me and said "Justin God gave you the body of a runner, why do you play hockey?" 

Oddly enough I feel like I am a runner, even though I rarely actually run anymore. But I have a tendency to just run away from challenges, from the hard paths in life to some valley of temporary comfort. Something gets difficult I start stretching out and lacing up the sneakers and as my roommate would say imitating the Sox's announcer, "He GONE!"

I value comforts, because for some reason I think that they will make me happy or that I will feel better. The "I" centered life style rears its ugly head and effects every decision I make. My belief structure is revealed in the process, the belief that I don't think God has what is best for me in mind when He lays these Giants in front of me. I have made a decision in my infinite wisdom that I know better then YHWH and that I know best how to live. I don't believe that God actually does care and does want me to experience life to the utmost, and that life to the utmost is a life centered on and following Him. Because if I did believe that I would be taking much bigger, and riskier, steps as I walk. I would stand before that Giant and know God is going to knock him out. This may take furthering unwrapping, but for the time now, I will say my settling of comforts is cause by my belief that God doesn't have my best in mind. (Which may be a slippery slope at first glance, cause He actually has His best in mind, which turn out to be my best as well, it works out nice that way I think. anyway)...

I let you in all of this because right now a challenge lays before me, not only myself but any that desire to follow Jesus.  To be like Jesus to the world. God has been looking for people to represent Him, to be a holy nation, a kingdom of priest, showing the world who God is. Right away I know that there is no way I can do this on my own, but only by God's guidance and through His power.

It seems like a lot, its uncomfortable, like the first time you tried on speedo, or some other non graphic example. It just feels way to big, How can little me ever dream to ever be like Jesus? I can't. Only by continually focusing on Jesus and relying on God's strength can it happen. We will call that walking by faith. Continually habitually forming ourselves around God.

It was a hard day when I realized that we are always modeling something whether we want to admit it or not. An even harder realization is that when we claim to be a follower of Jesus, then we are modeling "a god"  whether we want to admit it or not. Then the next question would be: Who is the god you have modeled to the world?  Is he a god of unconditional love? Is he a god of patience? Is he a god of kindess? Is he a god that rescues? that heals? that helps? that restores? that laughs? that cries?

I am not trying to claim that I have the slightest clue of what this looks like, but I do know that it is what I want to spend the rest of my life trying to do and figure it out. I learning to not be scared to fall, because each experience should be one we learn from.  I feel that we were made to be runners, I don't think God gave me these long legs for nothing. Instead of running towards some comfort that really isn't what I am looking for, my feet are moving towards running after God, as scary as that road looks my legs weren't made to run down any other.

Let us turn our gaze away from the mirrors and onto a hurting world who is in much need of rescuing. This may sound arrogant to some, to suppose that we have some answer or someway to help them. Like were above it all.  I will be careful with examples to illustrate, so often they do more damage then good, but the point is that we are very much a part of the healing process as well but we can't sit and do nothing knowing that we are getting better, that we are expierencing healing.

Let us hear the cries of the oppressed and stand by their side, let us move in every realm and show them a God bigger then they or we could ever dream.

ps i need to be in bed and i will be cleaning up and working through these thoughts more, but this is just a starting point. I feel on our campus, we are missing out big time on seing God move, cause we are not focused on reaching out to the campus. This is the specific challenge ahead, where do we start? Where do we go, where is the next step...

Currently Listening Chroma By Cartel see related

I opened the door to a place I once lived in. The room was cluttered but yet still. I could easily tell that I had lived there, there were fingerprints of my personality all over the room, books I had read, things I had written, and yet it didn't feel like home to me anymore. Like a key that seems to fit in the lock but won't turn.

Returning from an amazing journey can be almost more draining then the journey, all the sudden life went from looking forward, fighting toward a place, to a sudden turn of stillness and others wanting you to look back, to share with them the journey. I have found this part to be a burden at times, how can I take you with me, through what has happend? Is that even the goal? I love these people, and gladly share life with them but some things cannot be put into words, some sights cannot be captured by film, tears cannot be caught and then reshed. There is beauty in it, giving it a sense of size beyond what it first appeared. Painting it more than just some expieriment that if repeated the same result will occur.

I love to tell parts of the story, parts where I know those listening who know me can see how much parts affected me and changed me. I thank my friends for having grace with me as I return, for letting me breathe and focus. Others still, scoff it was only six weeks, how much can happen? It won't last, it will all go back to the way it was, your passion won't last, your foundations won't survive the earth quakes ahead. They say look back last summer, you came home and look at the mistakes you made, look how you fell short, it will happen again and again. Sigh.

When will it become greather than about us. So focused on "How were doing?" I am not bashing the importance of the personal, of inward journey, of our actions. But are we even apart of anything bigger? We tend to focus on our own lives, our own knowledge, our own "walks." This dish is losing its taste to me. For so long I stumbled thinking humility was thinking "less of myself", so I dug deep into my own flaws my short comings, they are posted on this blog, my scarlet letters, but I am moving towards this idea that humility is thinking "of myself less." For God is so much bigger than just me, He is moving in others lives, He is rescuing families and friends. He is breaking down walls speaking to whole cultures. He is hearing the cries of opresssed nations. He is moving through out this whole world, riding on wings of the wind, with power that shakes the earth, leaving the depths of the ocean bare, just a breathe from his nostrils could destroy everything. But, He moves to rescue, to redeem, to restore.

There is something happening, a movement that it seems you can only whisper, something so big if it was laid out no one would believe it could be done. But from those who have seen God move, they know that He is much bigger then any of their hopes and even larger then their wildest dreams.

God give us the heart to chase You. To look for you oustide of ourselves, break our hearts for what your heart breaks for. Give us eyes that see past our own flesh and toward the needs of others. Be our rock as we go out to places of discomfort, of hardship, of darkness. All the while let us see more of who you are through it, God that we are passionately pursuing You and Your Glory.

Currently Listening B Collision By David Crowder Band see related